|||||anxious, but fading||]|
Well, it's after 5pm and I'm not doing so great. Anxiety spiked up nicely,
partially due to work, partially due to me daydreaming about items I'd
like to acquire. Yeah, some days daydreaming about stuff I want, but don't
need can cause me unrest. Blah. I also have a PointToPoint VPN that needs
some troubleshooting, which always makes me feel crazy and clueless, and
trying to convince myself that having a rather social upcoming weekend
won't be a bad thing. Mix them all up, and I'm wound up. Blah.
So many things to decide on, so little time. Which actually isn't true,
other than one Kickstarter than I wish to throw money at, and ends on Sunday,
I have no real timeline. To the best of my knowledge, all of Mom's bills
are paid. I have to finish the letter to the uterine sibling and mail it,
but it's mostly written (same verbage I sent to agnate sibling, trying to
treat them equal in all things...just call me Switzerland).
One stressor that won't go away soon is the trip. I haven't traveled outside
of Texas (well save for camping in Oklahoma) since 2001. I've never coped
with the security theater that is flying these days. What do I pack, what
do I need, what will cause me the least grief. Oh yeah, and how best to
pack two deceased parents...that's one that pops up with a feeling of
'I'm in a Monty Python skit'. I know I can answer a lot of this with the
power of Google, and with asking my travel companions how they handle things.
But I'm still stressed in general, I don't deal with crowds well, I don't
like being away from home...luckily I have 6 months to work on both of those.
Emotional foo is mostly ok, grieving is going along in it's weird scatter
shot kind of way. I know logically that returning to a 'normal' schedule
and life is the best thing, but I really did enjoy my weekend of nothingness.
When the most stressful thing was feeling icky from dust, and did my online
takeaway order work? Even Mother's Day wasn't so bad, the sappy/caring
posts that friends made about their moms, I thought about yay my friends having
good moms, and all the nifty moms I knew...and it didn't make things feel
so bad. *sigh* I'll be ok, I'm coping well enough I think. We'll see how
things keep going.
Speaking of anxiety, my scripts for happy pills have been renewed, even
the Xanax. Doctor's office had to call me to get the right number for the
pharmacy on that one (I technically had 0 refills, but the pshrink said
getting that refilled wouldn't be a problem). But all is well. I'll
probably go and get them either tonight or tomorrow, depending on tentacles.
I really kind of just want to go home. Get the mail, make something quick
for dinner and tune out for the night. I have a pending episode of
'Salem' to watch, new ebooks to read, and a comfier bed since I turned
the mattress. Now to just make it til 6:30 (leaving early due to eating
lunch while working).
Ok, in the time it took to write this, anxiety levels have dropped. Yay
for modern pharma, and the ability to ramble at the internet. I'll leave
soon, and I'm not on call, so no worries tonight. I will be ok, everything
will be ok. *deep breath* Thanks for listening. Hopefully my next post
is full of joy and verve. Or at least tentacles.